The Mother

Agenda

Volume 13

June 3, 1972

Constantly, but constantly, I have things I would like you to know, but I don't have a chance to tell them. The ordinary memory is all gone, do you know, so if it comes, it comes; if it doesn't come... it's just lost.

Really... fantastic things.

(silence)

As if I were walking on a very thin and narrow line: on one side, imbecility, and on the other genius! That's how I progress (gesture of standing on a ridge).

What does it depend on? I have no idea.

All the old methods are obsolete, but the new ones aren't yet established. Although sometimes, they come all of a sudden: for a few minutes, there's a dazzling flood of light... something marvelous, the feeling of a power over the entire world. And the next minute, all gone.

Night and day, like that.

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I am in such a horrible discomfort, I feel it must lead to death, but then... something says, “Don't mind,” as though Sri Aurobindo were watching over me — don't mind, don't mind.... So I... (Mother opens her hands). And after a little while: gone, it's inexplicably gone.

(silence)

I can't eat anymore – oh, it's so difficult! So difficult. Eating is really the most difficult of all.... I am not really disgusted by food, nothing of the sort, but I just can't put it in my mouth. I can still drink... for the moment.

There's nothing there, nothing (pointing to her forehead), it's empty, empty, thoroughly empty.... And when I remain like this....

(Mother goes into contemplation)